So, it’s been a while..
I’m just sort of drifting through life at the moment. I guess I haven’t posted because I try not to think about things anymore. Every time a troublesome thought comes in to my mind, I can physically feel myself pushing it to the back..
It helps me get by but it means I become easily overwhelmed or stressed. Even something simple like knowing I need to take something to the post office causes me to feel unnecessarily stressed; as though it’s something majorly difficult & I have a lot on my plate.
My biggest concern at the moment is my physical health.
I am in unbearable amounts of discomfort & pain. I feel overly uncomfortable at all times & so cripplingly weak.
As many of you know, I am physically sick every day due to conditions such as Gastroparesis, however, I know this is something more than that. Even my GP & gastroenterologist have said it is.
I have been seeing GP’s for more months than I care to imagine, trying to explain my pain.. to the point I just stopped going & have just put up with the agony.
But it’s just getting worse.
I went to see the now permanent GP at my surgery (finally, they’ve found one!) & for the first time, someone actually took notice. Someone actually did something.
She referred me to a rheumatologist & neurologist as my knees are crippling; they click & grind every time I move them & have become unbearably painful. In addition, she was concerned about my uncontrollable shaking & weakness; particularly in my arms. Not to mention the fact I am highly susceptible to the cold & often get so cold that it causes pain & is very difficult for me to warm up. I also lose grip in my hands regularly & my joints cease up in the most unnatural of positions. She said there’s been signs something is wrong for months, if not years, due to my blood results & was bewildered that nothing had been done.
So, after months of pain, I saw the rheumatologist yesterday & she is sending me for endless tests; an EMG (muscle test), an ultrasound of my hands, an MRI of my knees, a bone density scan (to see if my osteoporosis has progressed any further) & a lengthy list of blood tests.
However, I didn’t feel she particularly believed me. It’s so hard to explain how I feel because I literally feel discomfort & pain everywhere (although, mainly in my arms & knees). She continuously said; but where is the pain specifically? & other than those two main areas, I desperately tried to explain to her that it literally was everywhere.
& that makes me feel like I’m lying, like it can’t be true. I feel as though everyone thinks it’s in my head; I look fine, so I must be fine – right? But I know I’m not fine. I know I can feel it. Even doctors examinations have shown I’m not fine. I’m not like a ‘normal’ 25 year old.
It is restricting me in every area of my life. All I want to do is stay in my house & hide because I just can not bare to move. Obviously, I don’t. I get up. I get ready. I volunteer. I go to uni. I help out around the house. I cook for my parents. I try. I try my hardest every day. I push myself to the brink.
I rarely complain when I’m in pain; although becoming more frequent as the pain becomes more and more unmanageable.
Yet, even my family don’t seem to truly appreciate how debilitating it is. I’ll say ‘I’m in a lot of pain today’, ‘I’m struggling with this’ – yet, they’ll still say ‘oh but can you just do this?’ & ‘can you just do that?’
No. No I can’t.
But I do. It’s going to push me to my absolute limit, if not further & cause me immense amounts of difficulty, discomfort & in most cases; pain. But I do it.
Why? Why should I have to?
Can you not take my word for it that I am in agony? That every time I do that ‘little’ something for you, or even for myself, that I just want to fall to the ground & drift away.
Why, when I ask you to do help me, do you say ‘I’m not doing that’ or roll your eyes or huff.
Please help me.
There are days I feel like I could take my last breath at any moment. As dramatic as that sounds.
I am struggling. I am scared. I am weak.
Please help me.
You get sick of me repeating myself? Of saying how much something hurts?
Then please, help me.
It is destroying my life. It is destroying me. My body is broken. I am broken.
I shouldn’t have to wish that these tests would come back with something serious, just so that for once, people would realise. Yet, at the same time, be so terrified that my life is over before it’s even begun.
WHAT CAN I SAY TO MAKE YOU HEAR ME? TO MAKE YOU SEE ME?
Please, help me..
Before there is nothing left to help but a broken, lifeless shell on the ground.
An Impartial Soul xo