Hello old friend,
We parted ways for a while,
I laid you at rest.
I discovered my demons and I conquered them.
But now you are back.
Because it turns out, the demons aren’t the things I’m fearful of at all; they are, in fact, the things I love the most.
The things that possess greatest ability to hurt me beyond words.
Should I fear those which are meant to keep me safe?
Are they more dangerous than my nightmares?
They certainly hold the most power.
You see, I’m fighting this tough fight every damn day.
I’m fighting the images in my head of the sexual abuse I endured and the disgust that comes with it.
I’m fighting the suicidal thoughts and thoughts to harm myself however possible.
I’m fighting feeling so deadly weak physically every single day.
I’m fighting my insecurities which rule me.
I’m fighting to breathe.
But the hardest of all those?
The hardest is fighting my family.
My family that are supposed to support me and understand no matter what.
‘It’s the way they were brought up’
‘They’re stuck in their ways’
No. That doesn’t cut it anymore. Not bloody good enough.
I just overheard my family discussing me, as I’m sure they always do, voicing their opinions.
Stating how I need to get back to work, get back to normality, find some independence.
See, I’ve taken some time off from volunteering and I’m on a break from uni until final year starts in April.
It’s all well and good having your opinions.
You may think you know what’s best for me.
I may appear fine on the outside.
But do you think my thoughts?
Do you feel my feelings?
Do you see my visions?
Do you manage my pain?
Do you realise that there are points in the day I have to remind myself to breathe?
Exhale, for the love of God, exhale.
Yes, opinions.
For sure, you are welcome to them.
But until you’re fighting my fight, until your facing my demons; keep them to yourself.
Can you not even try?
Try to not have an opinion but instead listen, listen to the words I am not saying. Listen to the pain in my eyes.. the heavy sigh when I hold that breath in just a little too long.
Why not distract yourself from your opinion with trying to understand. And if you can’t understand; trying to just be there.
Just be there.
No words, no advice, no opinions.
Just be there.
Endlessly and without question.
I will win this fight, just as I have every other. You’ve seen my victory; can’t you believe in my ability to overcome this too?
I’ve proven you all wrong time and time again, it’s just never good enough.
Oh ball of anger that resides in my chest and expands with every opinion,
Hello old friend.
Love always,
An Impartial Soul xo
impartialsouls 