My goodness, I didn’t anticipate how hard this would be.
Well, actually, that’s a lie. I never could imagine my life without you; just thinking about it caused me pain. However, I never truly understood just how much pain, as I never thought I’d have to actually feel it one day.
The fact it was me that called it a day makes me feel as though it’s my fault. Did I do enough? Did I try hard enough?
But then I have to remind myself that even now, you are not fighting for me. Even now that I have called an end on our 5 and a half year relationship, our 12 and a half year friendship.. you still don’t want to try.
I guess that tells me all I need to know.
Silence speaks a thousand words.
Even though you haven’t really tried for nine months, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I still love you with every living inch of my being.
I still miss you more than I ever thought possible.
When will every single thing stop reminding me of you?
Will I ever get through my day again without things as simple as cooking a meal, reminding me of a memory of you?
Right now it doesn’t feel like it.
You were my companion, my best friend, my safety net, my life for almost 13 years.
I don’t feel safe anywhere anymore.
My past, my present and my future feels empty now; vacant.
Everything I’ve worked so hard for is gone.
Everything I believed in has been taken from me.
So who am I now?
Who am I without you?
I’ve been part of a team for so long, I don’t know how to be on my own.
Will I ever feel happiness again? Will I ever learn to love again?
Will I ever stop loving you?
I want to, so much.
But right now, in this very moment, I am more alone than ever.
You were my family, you were my friend, you were my home.
It didn’t ever matter where I was, how I was feeling, what I was facing; so long as I had you.
I know now I must find out who I am without you. But you were my childhood, my adolescence and my adulthood.
How could you? How could you take all my dreams away from me?
Why wasn’t I enough?
I loved you endlessly. I would follow you anywhere. I would carry you for eternity.
What more could you ever need?
We had it all.
Our love was limitless. Our love was one of a kind. So why?
Wasn’t I pretty enough?
Is it my health?
Because I was this way when you fell in love with me, worse in fact.
Did you ever really love me at all?
How long has my life been a lie?
I have so many questions that I know you’ll never answer.
I’ve never felt like I am enough. I wasn’t for a lot of my family, for friends. But I always believed I was enough for you.
Will I spend the rest of my years never truly being enough?
I’m so alone and I’m frightened.
I’ve never been okay on my own.
It’s difficult being alone with someone you despise.
I liked who I was when I was with you. Only when I was with you.
And now I spend every moment in a body, a mind, I can’t stand.
Who is there to reassure me? Who is there to comfort me? Who is there to encourage me? Who is there to remind me I have worth?
I don’t know what’s real anymore.
I have to build a new life. New hopes, new dreams.
I have to let someone else in one day and I don’t know if they will ever really accept me.
I am so scared of the path that is now in front of me.
I don’t want to walk it alone.
I am stronger now. I know I can make it. I have to.
But if I had a choice, I would choose you every time.
You took all my choices away from me.
I couldn’t stay somewhere where you didn’t want to fight for me. For us. Where you didn’t want to try.
It wasn’t enough.
I need more.
There has to be more out there.
I’ll find it one day, won’t I?
‘Everything happens for a reason’.
I have to believe there is reason to this pain.
I’m sure, I know, one day I’ll look back on this and I’ll know why.
I’ll have something so precious that I will know, I will know why.
Until that day comes, I just have to keep fighting.
Take time to find myself.
Maybe even learn to like myself.
I can do this alone. I can do this without you.
For I am the woman you helped shape me to be.
You built me up with strength and courage and wisdom.
I will always remember you for that.
I will always look back on our time together fondly.
I will never, ever regret you. Or us.
I learnt so much from you about myself, about love, about life and for that I am grateful.
I was lucky to have loved a man like you.
I was lucky to have been loved by a man like you.
I was lucky to have known a love like we shared.
I may not ever find it again. But I don’t want to.
I will find something new, something different.
That will be my reason why.
Whether it be in work, in travel, in children, in romance, in friendship or even within myself.
That will be my reason why.
Love always,
Your Impartial Soul xo